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| Growing Out of Myself |
The slap of an eye-opener today...
Well it doesn't really matter what happened. The focus of this blog is how this day's incident made me an inch wiser.
I would first like to apologize to anyone that I may have accidentally stepped on because of my arrogance which was fueled by self-destructive apathy and glorified ignorance.
There may have been times in the past that I may have judged someone because of how different his opinions are from mine. The kind of "ideas" that my limited intellect of that time would instinctively put down. I look upon these strange ideas with malicious contempt because of the lame fact that these ideas never registered within the range of my limited life experience.
I frowned at people who stood up for their values because I never had them. It may be because I failed to uphold mine or my parents failed to teach me. Either way, I never had them. I covered up this flaw by displaying apathy simply because I was scared and vulnerable. I denied reason because it will expose my weakness. I refused to learn by denying my ignorance. I found safety within the thought that the little trials in life that I have endured are higher than the life itself.
In art, I have put too much value on aesthetic rather than content. I have allowed myself to be capable but limited because of my dependence on the five senses. I really focused on realism and ignored concept.
In music, I have measured superiority on the basis of technical skills, philosophical content, honesty of emotions, and inaccessibility (really stupid). I have loved aggressive music because of all these things. I have foolishly looked down on other music because I cannot relate to them. I am not an expert but now I know that not all Country music are dumb, R&B music don't know what rhythm and blues means, Pop music is for the sexually deprived, Rap music is for insecure people who do not really know themselves. This is the same with the idea that Metal is satanic and Grunge is rebellious. Actually, I really don't mind the stereotyping as long as the other genre would accept how they are labeled (AGAIN, that was my arrogance)
One thing I am really ashamed of is that I foolishly, selfishly, and recklessly let my tongue lash just to get the attention I have always craved. I voiced out my thoughts without thinking about what other people would feel. I tried to project a bigger shadow by faking bravery. Contrary to popular belief that this peacock display IS bravery, it really screams ignorance and fear.
I am not proud of the fact that I am such a coward when I am being constructively criticized. I helplessly and ridiculously go on a defensive stance by displaying "cool" apathy. I have come to realize that a person with with a child's wisdom, can easily sense this mask.
I hated these people because they seemed fake. In reality they actually just smile at me just like an adult that would carry a helpless kid who is throwing a fit.
Deeply embarrassed by cracked logic peppered by fallacies, I still managed to talk.
Now, all I have is gratitude towards my parents, friends, teachers, and all the people I have met. I used to hate them for not making me the center of everything. I always questioned values that I never believed in but were forced down my throat anyway. There comes a point in a man's life where he would have already accumulated enough wisdom (lessons, values, and experience)to be able to dig out and understand the things that were forced upon him at a time where he is still young and stupid to realize that.
For my arrogance, apathy, and ignorance... My deepest apologies.
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