My first attempt on painting (oil)

The unearthly struggle of summoning enough courage to apply the paint from a improvised palette (SkyFlakes tin can cover) on an empty canvas was really another milestone. Gaining enough encouragement from different people finally made me do it. This is my first piece.

It was very difficult to think of a suitable trial subject for my first oil painting project. I even made a dozen of drafts about surreal images from imagination, dreams, and nightmares. It probably took me a good couple of hours experimenting on these images.

Perfectionist as it may sound, I am really hesitant to use my ideas on my first attempt on oil painting. I dreaded the thought of not being able to execute my desired image just like the way I have conceptualized it. To make things worse, I am aware that this first trial would be and should be more focused technique, skill, and execution. The concept can wait for some other time since I have all of them tucked away in my good old sketch pads.

I aim to reach the perfection of old masters though I know it is next to impossible. Most people would even wonder why would I even bother to try. I really hope I have the answer to that. I really do. The only thing that I know is that these old masters didn't have a screwed up head like I do.

Depth, metaphor,  poetic quality, and all that jazz can wait. Right now, a simple subject would do.

Ladies and Gents, my first train wreck... I call this work "Furblind"    HAHAHA!!! sorry about that. I really cannot think of a title. His name is Kingking. He is a cross between a maltese and lhasa apso. He was born blind. Retardedly cute and fluffy as a Teddy Bear.

To my fellow artists, newbies and veterans... CHEERS! This is a celebration of the birth of a new voice that was born with the purpose of gently sculpting souls. RAKENROWL!!

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The Question that Leads My Life

"What is your deepest fear Jinjo?"

My deepest fear is not that I am inadequate. My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure. It is my light, not my darkness that most frightens me. Playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

My Apologies - Ode to Wisdom

Growing Out of Myself

The slap of an eye-opener today...

Well it doesn't really matter what happened. The focus of this blog is how this day's incident made me an inch wiser.

I would first like to apologize to anyone that I may have accidentally stepped on because of my arrogance which was fueled by self-destructive apathy and glorified ignorance.

There may have been times in the past that I may have judged someone because of how different his opinions are from mine. The kind of "ideas" that my limited intellect of that time would  instinctively put down. I look upon these strange ideas with malicious contempt because of the lame fact that these ideas never registered within the range of my limited life experience.

I frowned at people who stood up for their values because I never had them. It may be because I failed to uphold mine or my parents failed to teach me. Either way, I never had them. I covered up this flaw by displaying apathy simply because I was scared and vulnerable. I denied reason because it will expose my weakness. I refused to learn by denying my ignorance. I found safety within the thought that the little trials in life that I have endured are higher than the life itself.

In art, I have put too much value on aesthetic rather than content. I have allowed myself to be capable but limited because of my dependence on the five senses. I really focused on realism and ignored concept.

In music, I have measured superiority on the basis of technical skills, philosophical content, honesty of emotions, and inaccessibility (really stupid). I have loved aggressive music because of all these things. I have foolishly looked down on other music because I cannot relate to them. I am not an expert but now I know that not all Country music are dumb, R&B music don't know what rhythm and blues means, Pop music is for the sexually deprived, Rap music is for insecure people who do not really know themselves. This is the same with the idea that Metal is satanic and Grunge is rebellious. Actually, I really don't mind the stereotyping as long as the other genre would accept how they are labeled (AGAIN, that was my arrogance)

One thing I am really ashamed of is that I foolishly, selfishly, and recklessly let my tongue lash just to get the attention I have always craved. I voiced out my thoughts without thinking about what other people would feel. I tried to project a bigger shadow by faking bravery. Contrary to popular belief that this peacock display IS bravery, it really screams ignorance and fear.

I am not proud of the fact that I am such a coward when I am being constructively criticized. I helplessly and ridiculously go on a defensive stance by displaying "cool" apathy. I have come to realize that a person with with a child's wisdom, can easily sense this mask. 

I hated these people because they seemed fake. In reality they actually just smile at me just like an adult that would carry a helpless kid who is throwing a fit.

Deeply embarrassed by cracked logic peppered by fallacies, I still managed to talk.

Now, all I have is gratitude towards my parents, friends, teachers, and all the people I have met. I used to hate them for not making me the center of everything. I always questioned values that I never believed in but were forced down my throat anyway. There comes a point in a man's life where he would have already accumulated enough wisdom (lessons, values, and experience)to be able to dig out and understand the things that were forced upon him at a time where he is still young and stupid to realize that.

For my arrogance, apathy, and  ignorance... My deepest apologies.

Above a Scripted Future

Crazy Kapampangans in the ritual commonly known as SLAMMING

Performing "Am I Evil"

Have you ever felt that you have come to a point where you ask yourself “now what?” It is such an agonizing question when it suddenly pops up in an age where one considers himself mature in every imaginable aspect of life.

It seems like this question has always been inside us just waiting to be unleashed. It has always been suppressed from the first time we were labeled as “makulit” by people who were suppose to nurture us and discipline us to be just like everyone else. We get to have our hand slapped every time we venture into something that is commonly perceived as unusual. We all probably know by now that these things are all intended to make us “successful” in the future.

If becoming wage slaves and corporate robots is the goal of education and the traditional measure of success, then yes, it worked.

We were all raised, well at least most of us, were raised in an educational environment where it was designed in such a way that it only serves one purpose which is to turn us into fuel for the great industrial machine. Like animals, we were herded into a small box, trained to think in a certain way, and force us to fix our eyes on a certain goal.

Teachers and parents tell us that we can be anything we want to be… err… as long as it guarantees to make us wealthy. This is a tragedy that has already unfolded for the most of us from the day we learned to write our name. Parents find it cute to keep on asking us what we want to be at a very young impressionable age. This rehearsed dialogue often goes like this: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” mom/dad asks. “I want tooo bee a dok-tor!!!” Wanting to be a humble public servant, artist, or skilled artisan is often met with strong disapproval.

I salute these people who have decided to chase after their dreams despite paralyzing disapproval from the people who were suppose to develop them into “unique” productive individuals. I salute these people who were able to know who they truly are way before they even stepped into high school. I salute these people who continuously refuse to do the ordinary. I salute these people who decided to live life instead of just survive it.

These people who follow their passion may not even be aware that they are doing other great things aside from perfecting their beloved craft. They inspire other people to rise above themselves. For this, I am thankful.

Mr. Pali. Crazy swiss bar owner.

Dream (under construction)

And So I Write

I have a been hesitant for years to write a single blog. There is always this nagging question inside my head "Why do I have to write my thoughts down?"... or worse, "why should I give a flying fuck?" Is it vanity that compels me to share my joys and my demons? Is it my inner fear of passing through this world without leaving anything? Or is it just my desire to feel human by sharing my heart and mind to other souls. Whatever the reason is, I'm making my mark.

In my unfortunate existence in a dog eat dog world, I cannot help but feel frustrated and lost. Endlessly, I struggle to understand why people act the way they do. Random acts of blistering wickedness or glorified idiocy has left me dumbfounded. It has always driven me to question the wisdom in teaching kids and giving them the idea of the possibility of having a perfect world. I will never be a goody goody saint or would I be the wicked demon of the Nth circle of hell. Not good, not evil,  because I live within the friction of life.

Despite all these cruelties, which I just laugh at as long as it doesn't happen to me, (Save your judgmental thoughts about me. It was meant to push you to reflect on what WE really are) there are still things that can make us smile and believe in humanity and the beauty of existence and purpose.

The duality of things has made a lot of us mad in our continuous quest to grasp and understand everything around us. There is this underlying  need for all of us to "take control" of things, people, situation, and even abstract ideas. The presence of darkness makes us appreciate the light and vice versa. One should first understand that these things  should always be respected. From respect, we can slowly digest these things and eventually help us reach the highest possible limits of human understanding.

I write I write I write.

Beautiful way to put my thoughts into words. I guess that is it! THAT IS IT! This is another medium that I can use to express ideas that music, drawing, and poetry cannot. It can also be another way to enrich my material since these four art mediums can "spill" into one another to create something beautiful or shocking. ...* or it can be just a diary that I can retrieve and serve as a time capsule.

Welcome to these eyes.